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This happened to me when I was about 15 years old.  At that age I was involved with the wrong crowd and some times would stay out and didn’t return home until my parents had left for work.  I would hang out at snooker parlours, illegal gambling dens and strip joints.  In some ways, I am glad that I went through those ‘yauleilongtong’ days.  It’s part of life’s many experiences for me.

I’m grateful that even though I met people involved with drugs, my parents had placed a strong enough foundation in me to never allow myself to ‘just give it a try’.  I also had a drug addict for an uncle and he caused my grandmother a lot of tears.  I think I’m the only one who knew about those tears because when I was a young boy I slept with my grandma.  My grandmother seemed like a very strong woman to many but at night in bed, she would some times cry and talk to herself about my uncle.  She would ask herself what she had done wrong.  So that left quite an impact in me as well.

Oh wow… that is not what I had wanted to blog about.  See how my mind is all over the place.  I started, wanting to blog about something else and went out of topic to drug abuse and my grandma crying.  Geez.

Anyway back to topic.

Except for another guy and myself, the rest of my gang of frens lived in _Sentul_.  In those days, the last available bus back to my area ended around 11pm+.  After that time there were no buses left.  Most times after whatever the main event was (whether it was snooker ka, some auntie strip dancing ka), my gang and I would go back to a fren’s flat.

It would be in the early hours of the morning and we would hang around a playground below his flat.  If there were some Indian fellas around, we would play football on the basketball court and we were loud.  Loud and vulgar.  Imagine it’s 1am and you have a bunch of thugs playing football below your flat while shouting vulgarities.  We had the police called on us once but they just asked us to go home.

When it was finally time to call it a night, I would go up to crash at my fren’s flat.  After a quick shower, a few of us would sit at the balcony and starting talking kok until one by one we would doze off.

On one such night, we ran out of cigarettes and had to ‘lalalililaptampong’ & ‘1-2 jus’ to see who would be the one who would go down to the 7-11 across the road to restock.  The unlucky one was me. 

After cursing my ‘1-2 jus’ skills and putting on my shirt, I went on about my task.  It was around 3.30am on a weekday.  The roads were deserted.  I picked up the ciggies and returned right after.  I entered the lift and pressed 9, the floor of my fren’s place.  When the lift was passing between the 4th & 5th floor, the lift suddenly stopped and the door started to open but could only manage a small gap.  Enough for someone to stick their head through.

I didn’t know what to do.  I started pressing all the buttons but got no reaction.  I could see outside the lift via the head sized gap but I wasn’t going to risk sticking my head out and the lift suddenly decides to work again.  I could see both the 4th and 5th floor.  The lift had stopped right between the floors.  My initial thought was that I had no choice but to wait until someone passed by and ask them for help.  But then again, it was almost 4am.  How long was I going to have to wait?  Apparently not long.

I heard panting.  More like a deep panting, the kind that a dog makes.  A very dark, almost black man stuck his head in.  The height was just nice for me to kick his head but I didn’t because I was freaked out!  I stumbled backwards into the wall.  He had these very round blood shot eyes as if someone who hadn’t slept for ages.  Even from the back of the lift staring down at his face, I could clearly see the red veins in his eyeballs.  He uttered in a sad tone, a very long "aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr".  He only did this once.

I didn’t say anything because I was scared shitless.  I swear I was 30 seconds away from shouting like a girl.  He stared at me and waved his finger in front of his face at me, as if to say ‘no, no’ and then stuck out his tongue and gave the lift floor a lick.  He then pulled his head away and left.  Or at least I think he left.

My reflexes were to quickly shut the lift door by repeatedly pressing the close button.  For some reason it worked and the lift started moving again.  As I watched the floor indicators slowly counting up to 9, I prayed hard that he wasn’t going to be standing right in front of the lift when the door opens.

When the door opened, I ran like a mad cow towards my fren’s place.  I told my frens about it and at first they thought I was pulling their leg until they realized that I was genuinely scared.  I felt safer in a group and we decided to go down to the 4th floor.  Nothing.

My fren who lives there doesn’t believes me coz he has never seen anyone matching that description.  Till today I still don’t know whether it was just a nutcase or it was something supernatural or whatever.  Or maybe it was the lift maintenance man and that’s how you get the lift to start working again.  By licking the floor.

I had actually forgotten about it until something similar happened tonight.  I got stuck in the lift between floors and the door slightly opened.  Someone did partially stick his head in but it was the security guard.  Staring down at him reminded me of that incident.  Thank goodness there was someone in the lift with me or else I would have screamed like a girl.  Or worst, what if my reaction was to kick the first head that I see.

The guard told me that some lifts do open a small gap to let some air in.  So now you know.

A random post of things you probably find very mou liu.  I took my offline notes and combined it into this long post.  See I told you my butt is heavy.  Btw, pu-pu is jargon for tipu-tipu.

Super Power

A young punk asked me what is the one super power that I would like to have.  I told him that’s such a childish question but answered him anyway, in a very mature and dignified manner, with a slightly fake British accent, "Why… I’d like to jump like in the Jumper movie."  One minute I’m in KL and then *Poof!* I’m on top of the Eiffel Tower.  *Poof!*  I’m in Denise_Milani’s shower.  No more poofs. :P

Young punk tells me he’d like to have the ability to look inside people’s mind and influence them.  Like Greg_Grunburg’s character, Matt_Parkman in the TV series, Heroes.  He then gives me this stare as if trying to influence my mind to ask him why.  I ask why.  He says so he can influence every hot chick he meets to sleep with him.

Actually that’s a pretty good super power to have. :P

The great iPhone hoo haa

Both my partner and my youngest brother are iPhone users.  My partner won’t admit it (he’s a true blue Apple user) but I think he misses his previous HTC.  Once in a while when he’s unaware that I’m watching him, I would catch him cursing his iPhone.  "Stupid $%#%!"

My brother is not a true blue Apple user, not a tech savvy, internet surfing user.  He’s just a trend chaser and just likes to have the latest phones.  He told me he wished he hadn’t gotten the iPhone.  He wished he had done more research before lining up at the Maxis_centre with the rest of the world.  He told me that the queue at the Kepong branch was filled with lala chais and lala muis, who arrived in their heavily modified ‘wajalutions’ (Wajas modifed to look like Mitsubishi Evolutions).

He spent quite sometime trying to figure out how to copy all his mp3s and his gf’s photos over to his new phone.  He called Maxis and they weren’t much of a help.  They just told him to register with iTunes.  So he finally turned to me for help and I set it up for him.

A certain celebrity blogger said that the iPhone’s on-screen keyboard was fairly easy to use.  Now if you’ve never used a Blackberry or any smartphone with a qwerty keypad, I’d believe you.  If you have toothpicks as fingers, I’d believe you.  I find the keyboard to be such an annoyance.

Now another celeb blogger of a certain ‘nang’ company, once blogged about his iPhone.  He said he wished he had never bought it.  He listed some reasons why the iPhone sucked.  I agreed with him then.

Then one day, when one of his clients brought the iPhone officially into Msia, this celeb blogger changed his tune and sang praises of the ‘official’ iPhone.  Hello! Official or not, it’s still the same iPhone!  Of course it has 3G now but it still has the same 2mp camera, no mms, no video, cannot save email attachments, cannot transfer files via bluetooth and on and on and on.  So pu-pu man.  pu-pu is jargon for tipu-tipu.

I’d take a Blackberry (or even a HTC) over the iPhone any day.

If any of my readers are iPhone users, I just wanna tell you, the iPhone is the best phone in the world!!! Yea…. clap hand, clap hand, jump around sing song, scratch buntut. :P

Btw, if you want to own an iPhone and want it for free, you should try joining McD’s blogging contest.  http://www.mymcd.com.my/bloggercontest/howtowin.html.  I’d join not bcoz of the prize but just to see if they would like a completely sampat and mental post about their lunch (and services). Muahahahahaha.

Leng chai

Leng chai or leng lui.  That term is supposed to mean a handsome guy or a pretty girl, right?  But I think it’s become so common because people use it in a ’saja’ or pu-pu manner.  Example, when I’m dining at one of those char chan teng say Kim Gary, I wouldn’t call out, "Eksuse me waiter" or "Eksuse me miss".  I’d normally call out, "Eksuse me Leng Chai!" or "Eksuse me Leng Lui!". 

Just because I use the term ‘Leng’, doesn’t really have to mean I think that person is a leng lui or leng chai, correct or not?  It was used in a pu-pu manner.  A means of greeting someone.

Unless it’s used like dis, "Lei hou 7 leng lui ahhhh. Leng! leng! leng!", then it really does imply that the girl is really pretty.  Or like dis, "Adrian charn hai leng chai oooh".  That also implies that Adrian is very the hensem hensem.

So.  The other day I was having lunch with my partner and he went to order the food while I sat at the table.  The lady (probably in her late twenties) asked my partner in chinese, "Ah sai, eat what?"  I’m not sure what’s the definition of ah sai.  I think it’s boss?

When the food arrived, I ask the helper (either a Myanmar or Vietnamese) for an extra plate of chilli.  I assumed she understood chinese so I spoke to her in chinese.  She didn’t understand me but didn’t say anything either.  Instead she went back to her boss and told her I wanted something.  The lady boss came over to our table and asked me in chinese, "Leng Chai, what u want?"

My partner couldn’t believe what he heard, "WTF!? She called me ah sai but called you leng chai!? Blind or wat?"

I’m not perasan la.  I know it was used in the same pu-pu manner.  More like referring to the gender of a person.  A male is leng chai, female is leng lui.  Correct or not?  But of course in front of my partner, I had to bask in my moment of glory.  "Whatodo. People can only see my hensem face. It’s something I’ve had to live with for most of my life."  I so pu-pu hor? :P

At that moment, life just had to send the helper back with my extra plate of chilli.  And she asked me "Ini chilli ah, Uncle?"

Niamah!

The pharmacist

I seldom visit a doctor.  I normally go to my regular pharmacist.  For some reason I just feel more comfortable with her.  Cold, sore throat, cough, fever or kentut non-stop, she takes care of all my medication needs.  Some times it’s to stock up on some ‘pills’.

On my last visit over the weekend, I went to stock up again.  Normally I’d just tell her how many packs of _Postinor2_ I need.  This time she very sing muk and asked me "The usual?"  I said yes.  She passed it to me and commented, "Wah, very fast finish hor?"

I was taken by surprise by her comment and my brain couldn’t think fast enough to which I could only reply, "Yeah lor. I read it’s supposed to make my face more smoother and look younger but so far not much difference also."  Her eyes open big big and I walked away to pay at the counter.

Of course, I’m not taking the pill but eh, true wan you know.  I no pu-pu you wan.  Men who take the pill have smoother skin.  (but your breasts also become big in the long run) :P

Serious!  A few years ago school kids were taking pills to get rid of their acne problems.  It was reported in the media and they put up restrictions.  You couldn’t just buy it off the counter.  You had to give your name and IC number.  I no pu-pu you wan. 

Turning two

My partner’s kid, who is also my god son, turned two recently.  I was invited to the birthday bash and my partner told me to bring V along.  I asked him what about his wife, who is a friend of mine and also knows the mother of my children.  I don’t want it to be awkward for V or his wife.  He told me that he doesn’t keep secrets from his wife.  Pu-pu!

V tagged along.  It was awkward. :P

I remember it was 1998 when I got out of the lift of a building along Jalan_Raja_Chulan and saw a large group of people gathering by the roadside.  I crossed the road to get to my client’s office and stopped to see smoke coming out from one of the buildings.  There was a small fire.  I noticed this cute young lady standing close by and I told her I hoped it wasn’t her office that was on fire.  She said she hoped that it would burn to the ground and laughed. 

We exchanged business cards and got together for some drinks together with her friends later that week when I went to visit that same client.  My partner was with me at that time and I told him to tag along.  They didn’t hit it off but after a few more gatherings and dinners, my partner got ‘feel’ wor he said. 

After about a month, they arrived together to dinner holding hands.  3 years down the road, I was MC at their wedding.  Right off, they wanted a child but for some reason wasn’t succesful in conceiving.  When she finally got pregnant, it got into some complications and they lost the first pregnancy.

That’s all history as they’ve got a ‘cacing’ 2 year old now, who’s a handful to carry even for a seasoned toddler carrying expert like me. :P

The ‘commission’ dilemma

We were shortlisted by a potential client for a one year contract.  I was called to meet the head of marketing for negotiations.  He said my proposal of 105k was over their budget by 15k.  He wanted to negotiate.  I told him on the spot, done deal.  90K with a condition that they sign the contract within a week, or else 105k stays.  I was pu-pu of course.  My partner and I had already decided that they were a good brand to add to our portfolio and as long as we didn’t make a loss, we’d be very accomodating. :P

He was impressed that I didn’t need to go back to discuss.  I told him he was dealing with the Master of the Universe.  He could talk to me.

He immediately liked me and told me that he would champion us to get the contract.  His boss is the one who signs the contract but he is the one who picks the successful bidder because their web initiative comes under marketing which is led by him.  I thanked him and told him he would get a new proposal in a day.

On my way back from his office, I get a phone call from him.  He asked me if I wanted to have lunch but I declined as I had already reached KL.  Sensing hesitation in his voice, I asked him what it was that he wanted to talk about.

He pu-pu at first, saying times are hard la, bla, bla, bla but in the end asked me if I was willing to mark up the proposal to 140K!  He wanted a cut from the deal.  50K to be shared among him (GM) and his two managers, 30k-10k-10k.  Guaranteed the contract would go to us.

I’ve done plenty of such deals before during my employment days.  But those days, I didn’t feel the karma would fall on me because I always told my gwai lo boss about such deals.  And because he never objected, I took it as he was the one who authorized it.  It’s his signature on the contract anyway.

But honestly hor, I don’t believe in karma (dat much) hor.  So you know where I stand lor… muahahahahaha!  Eh, times are bad leh!  Need marnee for the divorce leh!  (Notice my chinaman business voice come out oledi.)  :P

My ‘use recycled paper, conserve energy, save the whales, change the world’ partner on the other hand wants to ask them to fly kite.  We do all the work, they buta-buta pocket 50k.  Technically, our work is covered by the 90k.  And it’s not really buta-buta becoz they did meet all vendors, evaluate each proposal and choose the winning one.  Oklah, quite buta-buta also lah.

So how? So how?

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If I had blogged about this last night, this post would be full of foul cuss words and wife bashing again.  Not that there aren’t any now, just perhaps without much tulan-ness as I felt last night.

I haven’t been feeling well.  Perhaps pickup a viral infection from dotter when I took her to the doctors a few nights ago.  Imagine she had to call me at 2am to tell me that she threw up.  But forget about that.  This post is about what happened last night.

I wasn’t feeling well.  I had a slight fever.  My head was hurting.  The heat from the past few days wasn’t helping.  Although yesterday was much better, it was cloudy and windy.  I opened up my balcony to enjoy the breeze and wanted to go visit ‘Chou Kung’ oledi (Is this correct ah? Chou Kung? The kung you visit when you go to sleep. My Cantonese fail I know) :P

Around 11ish I get a call on my mobile.  The mother of my children calling.  We had a few phone calls between us the past week and a few issues as well which I should have blog about but again did not because that’s how I’m feeling about blogging on these personal stuff on this blog nowadays cause I’m just trying to appreciate the clouds and not judge anyone and dunno what anymore. :P

Those phones calls were just the normal stuff regarding the kids, regarding her parents and a loan.  None of her famous hostility.  So I picked up the call again last nite, totally not expecting what was going to happen.

From the get go, she asked me (in a tulan tone of voice and the speed of a freight train) why I bought so many books for the kids, especially dotter.  She says she was going through dotter’s room and noticed that dotter had many books on her book shelf and the shelf on the wall.  "Why you buy so many books ah!!!? Chee sin ah you!?"

WTF rite?  So I like bookstores and I like to buy books.  We used to go together and they would choose something for themselves whenever.  Nowadays I pick up books for the kids and pass it to them whenever I see them.  Not all the time.

So what’s wrong with having too many books I asked.  Dotter likes to read anyway.

She says hor… the books I buy hor… very easy to read wor… not dotter’s standard wor… I’m not helping to develop dotter’s brain by buying all these books for small children wor…

WTF? She’s only going to be nine this year.  I don’t buy books for someone in kindie you know.  None of those A for Apple, B for Boy type of books.  I buy books that my dotter normally reads, Enid Blyton, Hannah Montana series - which are her current favourites.  Those type of books.

Recently dotter didn’t have any more reading material, she asked me if she could read my books that I had left behind.  She’s currently reading Dave Pelzer’s A Child called It which she’s able to understand.  Any words she doesn’t understand she’ll look up a dictionary.  I DO NOT think the books I buy are that easy for an 8 year old.  Not as easy as her mother says anyway.

So she rages on and on about the books.  Bla, bla, bla.  Fark, fark, fark, fark.  The tone of her voice causes me to have a brain freeze.  I’ve never heard anyone rage on for so long about books.

I was just feeling really fucking tired because I was unwell.  I was sweating because my blood was already boiling.  My separuh masak telurs where one level away from exploding!  Ended up having a shouting match over the phone about books!  Tiu niasing books you know!  Got nothing better to fight about issit!?  If it wasn’t because I like my phone so much I would have threw it against the wall.  A cheap old mouse went in it’s place instead.

Perhaps next time I should buy books like these.

Books you know!  ‘Sor’ meh?  WTF!?  Siao meh!?  How lah! How!?  Dunno lah!  Very hot ah!

Questions like these should never be asked to a man.  And it’s not because we don’t know the answer.  The answer is of course true love.  Errr… isn’t it? :P

It’s because a question like that makes our brain do some unnecessarily thinking.  *Hmmm… I think… true… no no no…. great…. no no.  Geez, I’d like to use a life line. I’d like to phone a friend?*

Why?  Why ask us?  No answer will ever be acceptable to you ladies.

If I say "Why dear, of course true love."  She will say "So I’m bad in bed? Is that what you’re saying!? What!? I’m not good enough for you!?"

If I say "Why dear, great sex of course."  She will say "So what do you call what we have? A fling!? What!? I’m not good enough for you!?"

The best thing to do in this situation is to fake a stomach ache and run to the toilet, lock the door and climb out the window.

So I used my life line and phoned a friend.  Ok, actually it was a conversation over coffee with two friends.  Two female friends who are sisters.  One’s still single, the other married with kids.  Single one says that with true love you’ll never know until it’s too late.  Great sex you’ll know in the morning. :P

The married one says she wouldn’t know.  She’s still waiting for great sex to happen. :P

What’s your take?  Guys no need to crack your head.  There’s no right or wrong answer. :P

I told my son a few months ago when we went to B_Lalang about _Fast&Furious4_.  My son loves that series.  He has the dvds of all 3 previous F&Fs.  That’s the show that ignited his interest in cars.  He used to point out cars to me whenever we were out and about. "Wow! Look RX8!"  "Wow RX7! Niceleh!"  "Wow! Look Fairlady!"

So when I told him that F&F4 was coming to cinemas, he was excited.  He wanted to go watch it at the cinema.  I told him when it comes, I’ll bring him.

When I found out that F&F4 begins screening on the 2nd which is tomorrow, it was perfect.  Tomorrow is his birthday.

I called his mom and asked her if she was doing anything for him at his kindie.  Last year he had a small celebration there.  His mom said no.  "You think I like you so good no need to work ah!"  Fair enough.  It’s always more difficult when you’re holding a 9 to 5 job.  I asked if there was anything planned at all for him.  Got. Dinner with inlaws and then go back to blow cake.

I told her I wanted to pick up the kids tomorrow, go for lunch and just jalan-jalan.  She said no.  Mah fan.  I have not blogged about this but she has made arrangement for my kids to attend daycare on a daily basis.  Something she has said before that she doesn’t want for the kids.  She doesn’t want them to go on a daily basis because (dunno what reasons she gave before about the food la, the teachers la, the other kids la).  The daycare has transport to pick them up after school to the daycare centre.  So apparently it’s mah fan to call and tell them otherwise.

Nowadays, I’m not needed anymore to pick them up from school.  My plan has backfired.

Anyway, after some ting tong ting tong, she agreed but not without some conditions attached.  Me agreeing to have them back early for their dinner celebration.  Me ensuring her that it will only be the three of us (not four).  And finally me agreeing to give her my public holiday coupons.

I called everywhere and found that 1U_New_Wing has an afternoon show tomorrow.  I made a booking.  Gembira as hell until jump around and scratch buntut.  I called dotter’s hp and told them.  They thought I was playing an April Fool’s joke on them. 

My son kept asking me, "Sure or not? Sure? Pohmiss?"  He was also gembira as hell but dunno whether he got scratch buntut or not. :P

I thought about it and it was going to be a rush tomorrow because after they get off from school, we’d have to rush over to pick up the tickets.  I decided to go over this evening to pick up the tics.  I line up (again waiting in line :P) and when it was my turn, I lansi-ly walked up to the counter, swaying both my hands from side to side, sneering at the guy beside me, softly murmuring, "I’m watching F&F4 tomollo"

I tell the girl over the counter my booking number and I told her 1 adult, two kids.  You know what she said?

"Sorry hensem-hensem man, but kids are not allowed to watch this movie"

Me blur as hell could only blurt out, "Huh?"  Thinking is she trying to play me an April Fools joke or what?  Am I on wakenabeb or wat?

She tells me that F&F4 is rated 18PL as if I knew what that meant.  Apparently it means the movie is not suitable for kids.  I told her it’s ok, I’m their father and I approve this message.  "No kenot sir".  What!?

Not suitable means not suitable.  Kenot discuss.  I’m still thinking what the heck is happening?  Should I slip her a 50 ringgit note like in the movies or what, baru I can get the tics.

I tell her but I’m going to accompany them and when there’s unsuitable scenes I will quickly put a blanket over their heads, like that can or not?
No kenot sir.

Then how only can?
No kenot sir.

Ok, I buy adult tickets then.
No kenot sir.  (Apparently they won’t let you in)

I buy adult tickets and dress my kids as adults.
No kenot sir.

I let you touch my hair.
No kenot sir.

I want to see the manager.
Dat one can.

After 20 minutes with the manager, who was apologetic for my cause, I still got the same response.  No kenot sir.

I tell him to just let it slide for once.  Can get reward in heaven.  No kenot sir.

I tell him to let’s pretend we never had this conversation.  I go buy three adult tickets.  Tomorrow I come with my kids and we just buat dunno.  No kenot sir.  They will not allow me in and will replace with another movie.

I tell him my situation, give password to my post.  I tell him it’s my son’s birthday tomorrow.  I kenot disappoint my son.  Even though I put on my whole ten cent face, almost in tears, also the same response.  No kenot sir.

The reason he is not bulging is that they have kena fined before.  Enforcement officers actually came and conducted spot checks.  So what to do.  I also understand his situation.  If they kena again, it’s his job on the line.  He also got two kids.

So how?  Tomorrow have to break the news to the poor kid.  Tomorrow even if we eat sharkfin and abalone for lunch also will not make up for his disappointment of not catching F&F4.

No kenot sir!