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For the past two years or so when I was having all the problems at home, I went through a very emo period.  Sikit-sikit feel emo.  Sikit-sikit feel emo.  I think I might have gone into depression if not for the sampat-ness that I had left in me. :P

During that emo period, I started noticing clouds again.  Yes.  Clouds.  Clouds in the sky.  

I knew clouds were always there, up in the sky but really I never took notice and appreciated how magnificent those buggers looked, especially in the evenings.  Perhaps I should say I forgot.  When you’re feeling emo, you tend to notice these kind of things.  The more I took notice of clouds, the more I loved them.  Yeah, you can say it.  Adrian is a cloud lover.  

Some times I would come across a view of a skyline filled with clouds of all shape and sizes, big ones and little ones, white ones and grey ones, and the sun shines at the perfect angle.  It’s simply breathtaking.  Makes me wonder why I never stopped to appreciate it more.  Perhaps the world just spins faster these days.  We’re living in such a fast paced world now and everyone seems to be rushing somewhere.  Rushing home, rushing for appointments, to beat the jam, to beat the rain, to reply emails, rushing for donuts, etc.

Clouds reminds me of my childhood.  A time and place when things weren’t so rushed.  Seemed like the days were longer then.

Clouds reminds me of the days when I grew up living with my late grandmother.  Those were the days.  Kids could go out cycling the whole day (oklar, maybe half a day) and parents wouldn’t be worried sick as they would be today.  My friends and I would cycle everywhere, and it was not just boys but girls as well.  I was in standard five which would mean I was just 10 or 11 years old.  I don’t see many kids at that age today given such liberty.  But of course, it’s a different world now where young children can be victims of brutal crimes.

My friends and I would some times go to a playground near our area and just lay on the grass looking up at the clouds in the sky.  We’d just point and try to imagine what the shape of the cloud resembled.

Clouds also remind me of the times when my brothers and I would sit in my dad’s old Ford Laser and we would turn around to look out the back windscreen, looking up at the sky, playing the same game.  My dad would shout at us to sit our asses down.  There were no rear seat belts then.

Somewhere along the lines, I grew up.  Didn’t have time for such ‘mou liu’ things.  Each time I looked up, I only saw the sky.  Didn’t even notice the clouds were there.  Each time I got stuck in a traffic jam, I only noticed how slow the cars were moving and how my time was ticking away.

But I’ve started noticing the beauty of clouds again.  I think it’s because I’m growing old and sentimental.  

Wouldn’t it be a good idea to go on a date just to lay on the grass somewhere and watch the clouds.  You could pack some sandwiches, some grapes and perhaps a bottle of red wine.  What to do you think?  Would that be a date you’d go on or would you think that your date is cuckoo? :P

Whatever it is, I’ve included some examples.  Just to help you get started along on how to identify what clouds could look like.  Let’s see how well you do.

Here we have a woman sitting on her bed reading a magazine on Home Decor.

Here we have a samurai warrior riding on a big wolf, trying to bake a chocolate cake. If I could also draw your attention to the bottom right corner, a young man listening to his iPod while waiting for his piece of the cake.

Here we have in the distance, a man trying to polish his shoes while trying to eat his laksa at the same time. He forgot to order drinks.

Here we have a slightly deformed crocodile trying to update his status on facebook.

Ok, joking aside.  Clouds are quite beautiful.  No?  Perhaps then you are more of a clear blue sky type of person.

Well life is not always clear blue skies.  Life is filled with clouds, all sorts of clouds, but it doesn’t mean clouds aren’t a good thing rite?  Sometimes we need to slow down and start appreciating clouds again.

ps: Did you know that there is a cloud appreciation society dot org.  I kid you not.  Do a search on google.

Sometimes I just feel so ‘bleh‘.

I wish I could just tear away my shirt and reveal my wings.  Cool soundtrack starts playing in the background.  Jeng.. jeng… jeng… jeng…  I take a few steps forward and leap up into the sky.  Fly around somewhat.  Cut through clouds.  Hover outside your window. ;)

So bleh I tellu.

I’d like to think that I’m quite the macho man.  (I said I’d like to think)

I’m not the baby faced, fair skinned, hensem-hensem, Taiwanese singer type but the tall, dark and hensem macho type.  Ok, forget the hensem part.  Just tall and dark.  Ok, maybe not even that tall… just dark. :P

But when my skin is cut, I bleed testosterone.  Pure testosterone.  Signs of a macho man rite?

I bathe in Brut.  Signs of a macho man rite?

I don’t shave my armpit hair.  Signs of a macho man rite?

When I’m with my friends, they often point at me for no apparent reason at all and go "U DA MAN! U DA MAN!"  Signs of a macho man rite?

I pee standing and I hit my mark from a mile away….. blindfolded.  Signs of a macho man rite?

When my woman screams at the sight of cockroaches, I catch it with my bare hands, put it in my mouth and bite it in half.  I then pull my woman close to me and look her in the eyes, comforting her with "Dun sked. I am Macho" and then I kiss her.  Signs of a macho man rite?

When I was 15 years old, I fractured my toe and the doctor bandaged it with a stick for support.  He said it would take at least 3 weeks for it to heal.  A week after that, I took off the bandages, tied my toes together with a rubber band and put on my football boots and joined a school football tournament.  I scored 7 goals in that tournament and my team were runners-up.  My parents were furious and I had to revisit the doctor again to be re-bandaged.  The doctor asked me "Not painful meh?"  In my arrogance of youth, I flicked my hair backwards and answered, "Pain only wat…. won’t die wan rite?"  You tell me that’s not macho.

Once when I was a very young boy, while waiting for my school bus to come pick me up, I pulled up my zipper after taking a leak and part of my balls got caught in the zipper.  I cried like a wounded dog.  (You try and see you cry or not!)  My mom and uncle came to help me but my school bus had arrived.  I told my mom, "Don’t touch. Don’t touch. Wait until I come back from school first."  Macho rite?

Buthen hor… if I’m so macho arh… why does my heart bleed so easily by words people say?  Especially words from my own mother.  Or perhaps it’s not so much the words but the lack of support or understanding from your own family.  Hurts more than getting my balls caught in a zipper.  Ok, maybe not.

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Akhir Cerita Cinta - Glenn Fredly

sandiwarakah selama ini
setelah sekian lama kita telah bersama

inikah akhir cerita cinta
yang selalu aku banggakan
didepan mereka

entah dimana kusembunyikan rasa malu
oh…
kini harus aku lewati
sepi hariku
tanpa dirimu lagi

biarkan kini ku berdiri
melawan waktuku
untuk melupakanmu
walau pedih hati
namun aku bertahan

entah dimana kusembunyikan rasa malu..
kini harus aku lewati
sepi hariku
tanpa dirimu lagi
biarkan kini kuberdiri
melawan waktu
kini harus aku lewati
tanpa dirimu….

biarkan kini ku berdiri
tanpamu
tanpa kehadiran dirimu
namun aku bertahan

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It’s been a tiring day.  Had a 9am meeting on a rainy morning.  Brilliant.  Meeting lasted until 2.30pm.

When I got out and turned on my handphone, I received a few messages.  One of which was from one of my regular mates, informing me that the wife of a friend had passed away.  She was 33.

I’ve met them (and sometimes their kids) a few times during gatherings.  They have three children.  The eldest daughter is 10.  The two sons, 7 and 4.  The husband isn’t among our circle of ‘heng tais’ and was closer to a few others but still he was considered a friend.  I knew him well enough to know that he was a good husband.

My friend said that the guys were going over to his house and asked me to join in since I knew them as well.  I tried to find an excuse to ’snake’ my way out of it at first but then decided to go anyway.  Thinking back now, I regretted that I would think that way.  It was very selfish of me.

I followed my friend’s car to the deceased home after meeting up at a designated waiting place.  When we arrived, there were a few familiar cars already there.  Some of the other guys had already arrived.  They were standing by the roadside having a smoke.  Some came with their wives.  I greeted them and followed my friend into the house.

I don’t know what to do or what to say under such circumstances.  While walking in, my mind kept thinking of things to say and I could only come up with "Sorry for your loss." :(  Seriously, I was there because I felt I should, and not because I wanted to.

I don’t know how she passed away.  Some say it was an accident.  Some say the reason is still being investigated.  I didn’t think it was appropriate to ask the family.

All I know from the other guys is that the wife came home earlier than usual and a neighbour spotted that her car had reversed into a tree just outside the house.  But there was hardly any damage.  The car was still running in reverse gear when they found her.  She had a ‘hak cheng’ (blue-black) mark on the side of her face and injuries to her legs.

As the night went on, the eldest daughter, who you could easily see had been crying, really broke down sobbing this time.  She wailed out loud, "Mommy… mommy!".  Everyone outside could hear her and many went in.  Her face was all red and everyone could see that she was the most affected among the three children.

The grandma tried comforting her to stop crying, "Mou ham lar.. mou ham lar.." but grandma broke down as well.

My friend, the husband, went in to console her.  He sat beside his daughter, hugged her and he too began sobbing his heart out.  Everyone just stood there not knowing what to do or what to say.  Everyone couldn’t hold back tears.  

There was not a single ‘heng tai’ who was not teary eyed.  One guy sighed and turned around.  He knew he couldn’t hold back his tears.  He kept using his hands to wipe the tears away.  We all did.

I felt like the biggest asshole in the universe.  Here is a husband who has just lost his wife and his children have lost their mother.  And all I could think of earlier was what a long day it has been for me.  Aih….fuck lar.

My friend thanked me for coming as I made my move.

On the way back, I heard this song on the radio and I stopped by the side of the road after the Penchala Link toll plaza.  I thought about my friend, about his kids.  My heart was overwhelmed with sadness.

I called her.  We spoke for some time.  I told her that if I were to ever pass away, she had to look into my kids for me.  Silly.

I reached home and I hugged my children.  They saw my teary eyes.  My dotter asked me "Daddy, why you cry?"  My sakkai son mocked me for crying "Eiyeh… daddy cry baby eh! HAHAHAHA!"

My wife came out from her room and I nearly gave her a hug, but gave her a pat on the back instead.  She looked at me and said "Maht 9 see arh lei!?" :P  I told her.  She called the rest of the wives to see what they should do.

I put my kids to bed, telling them that their friend’s mother had passed away.  They asked me why.  Had to explain about life and death.

My dotter includes her friend’s name in her bedtime prayers.  Asking God to take care of her friend’s Mommy before asking God again, to help her friend find a new Mommy. :P

Life moves pretty fast.  If you don’t stop to look around once in a while you could miss it.  ~ From the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off