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I told my son a few months ago when we went to B_Lalang about _Fast&Furious4_.  My son loves that series.  He has the dvds of all 3 previous F&Fs.  That’s the show that ignited his interest in cars.  He used to point out cars to me whenever we were out and about. "Wow! Look RX8!"  "Wow RX7! Niceleh!"  "Wow! Look Fairlady!"

So when I told him that F&F4 was coming to cinemas, he was excited.  He wanted to go watch it at the cinema.  I told him when it comes, I’ll bring him.

When I found out that F&F4 begins screening on the 2nd which is tomorrow, it was perfect.  Tomorrow is his birthday.

I called his mom and asked her if she was doing anything for him at his kindie.  Last year he had a small celebration there.  His mom said no.  "You think I like you so good no need to work ah!"  Fair enough.  It’s always more difficult when you’re holding a 9 to 5 job.  I asked if there was anything planned at all for him.  Got. Dinner with inlaws and then go back to blow cake.

I told her I wanted to pick up the kids tomorrow, go for lunch and just jalan-jalan.  She said no.  Mah fan.  I have not blogged about this but she has made arrangement for my kids to attend daycare on a daily basis.  Something she has said before that she doesn’t want for the kids.  She doesn’t want them to go on a daily basis because (dunno what reasons she gave before about the food la, the teachers la, the other kids la).  The daycare has transport to pick them up after school to the daycare centre.  So apparently it’s mah fan to call and tell them otherwise.

Nowadays, I’m not needed anymore to pick them up from school.  My plan has backfired.

Anyway, after some ting tong ting tong, she agreed but not without some conditions attached.  Me agreeing to have them back early for their dinner celebration.  Me ensuring her that it will only be the three of us (not four).  And finally me agreeing to give her my public holiday coupons.

I called everywhere and found that 1U_New_Wing has an afternoon show tomorrow.  I made a booking.  Gembira as hell until jump around and scratch buntut.  I called dotter’s hp and told them.  They thought I was playing an April Fool’s joke on them. 

My son kept asking me, "Sure or not? Sure? Pohmiss?"  He was also gembira as hell but dunno whether he got scratch buntut or not. :P

I thought about it and it was going to be a rush tomorrow because after they get off from school, we’d have to rush over to pick up the tickets.  I decided to go over this evening to pick up the tics.  I line up (again waiting in line :P) and when it was my turn, I lansi-ly walked up to the counter, swaying both my hands from side to side, sneering at the guy beside me, softly murmuring, "I’m watching F&F4 tomollo"

I tell the girl over the counter my booking number and I told her 1 adult, two kids.  You know what she said?

"Sorry hensem-hensem man, but kids are not allowed to watch this movie"

Me blur as hell could only blurt out, "Huh?"  Thinking is she trying to play me an April Fools joke or what?  Am I on wakenabeb or wat?

She tells me that F&F4 is rated 18PL as if I knew what that meant.  Apparently it means the movie is not suitable for kids.  I told her it’s ok, I’m their father and I approve this message.  "No kenot sir".  What!?

Not suitable means not suitable.  Kenot discuss.  I’m still thinking what the heck is happening?  Should I slip her a 50 ringgit note like in the movies or what, baru I can get the tics.

I tell her but I’m going to accompany them and when there’s unsuitable scenes I will quickly put a blanket over their heads, like that can or not?
No kenot sir.

Then how only can?
No kenot sir.

Ok, I buy adult tickets then.
No kenot sir.  (Apparently they won’t let you in)

I buy adult tickets and dress my kids as adults.
No kenot sir.

I let you touch my hair.
No kenot sir.

I want to see the manager.
Dat one can.

After 20 minutes with the manager, who was apologetic for my cause, I still got the same response.  No kenot sir.

I tell him to just let it slide for once.  Can get reward in heaven.  No kenot sir.

I tell him to let’s pretend we never had this conversation.  I go buy three adult tickets.  Tomorrow I come with my kids and we just buat dunno.  No kenot sir.  They will not allow me in and will replace with another movie.

I tell him my situation, give password to my post.  I tell him it’s my son’s birthday tomorrow.  I kenot disappoint my son.  Even though I put on my whole ten cent face, almost in tears, also the same response.  No kenot sir.

The reason he is not bulging is that they have kena fined before.  Enforcement officers actually came and conducted spot checks.  So what to do.  I also understand his situation.  If they kena again, it’s his job on the line.  He also got two kids.

So how?  Tomorrow have to break the news to the poor kid.  Tomorrow even if we eat sharkfin and abalone for lunch also will not make up for his disappointment of not catching F&F4.

No kenot sir!

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Sometimes I login feeling quite sampat and the product is a sampat post.  I then log off and readers login and read that sampat post.  Somehow they also get caught up with the sampat-ness and make a sampat comment.  Of course there are those that are oledi sampat by nature. :P

I then login again later and read that sampat comment.  And I think to myself, ‘Hahaha… what a sampat comment. He/she also so sampat wan.’  I then go over to that person’s blog, still reeling from all the sampat-ness and read their latest post.  With an overflow of sampat-ness dripping from my nose, ears and belly button, I make a sampat comment on that post.  A stupid thing to do sometimes I admit.

That person then logins and read my sampat comment but by that time, he/she has already gotten over all the sampat-ness.  That person doesn’t realize the sampat state that I am in.  So the person reacts as any normal sane non-sampat person would.  They get pissed off.  "What the fark! How could he say dat! Dun fren him!"

It could be a comment on a post about something they baked, something they just bought, about their kids, about their bf or gf, about their spouse, about their house or about their parking skills.  What ever.

That person blogs about getting a bargain on a new handbag and I make a comment like "Walaueh! So ekpensif arh!? Petaling Street balu RM50 nia! :P"  That person gets pissed with me, "KNN that hensem-hensem man! He think wat! I so low klas until use Cap Palang thing wan meh! I dun fren him liao!"

Or maybe they blogged about their anniversary dinner and their spouse bought them a 20K diamond ring.  I sampatly comment "What? No flowers? He should have bought you a 19K diamond ring and used the money saved to add in some roses. :P"  Again another gets pissed, "Niamah! Does he buy his wife roses on their anniversary or not!? OR NOT! Dun say people when he himself never do you know!"

Or it’s a post about how their kid eats with their hands causing a mess every time and I comment something like, "Well that’s the best way to eat cereal according to The Dummies’s How To Eat Your Cereal manual. Besides maybe he follows after you. :P"  Oh this one is the MUTHER OF ALL PISSES.  "#%%$&! I know lah my kid not as smart as his kids! Besides how I know got such a manual. I go MPH also kenot find."

They then tell other readers about what I said, "You know ah… dat hensem-hensem man ah… say this about my kid you know. How farking rude is he! I hope one day he wakes up and finds his hensem-ness has increased and when he looks in the mirror, it cracks! Oh I so hope that happens! And I hope the wife never let him see his kids again!"  Well so sorry to disappoint you but my mirror hasn’t cracked. :P

And then it gets passed on until some reader emails me and asked "Why did you say dat ah? And where did you buy dat manual ah?"

And not so long ago, that person told me how wifey shouldn’t treat dotter like that, that I should do something, that I should just leave my wife, teach her a lesson, yada yada yada.  Of course getting a divorce is my own decision and not influenced by anyone here.  And it’s not only because of dotter but because my marriage is empty liao and there’s no point in holding on to something that’s lost.  No point being together and continue to fight it out.  Continue with the hate.  Not a very good environment for the kids.  Instead of spreading love, we’re spreading animosity.  Where is the love…..  Eh? Apasal out of topic pulak? :P

Anyway, there are people like that.  A reader once told me that a few bloggers started to stay away from her when they found out that she was a single parent, a person without integrity konon.  I found that to be so sad.  Not sad for the one who’s a single parent but sad for those that would think of others that way.

It’s the same with me I know.  A person without integrity, no moral values, don’t know how to appreciate marriage, a bastard of a husband, an asshole dan lain-lain yang sewaktu dengan nya.  Everyone’s entitled to their opinions right? :P

Oh don’t get me wrong.  I’m not offended.  Slightly disappointed maybe.  Buthen who go and ask me to blog about it. :P  But anyway…

 

Now if I ever made a comment on your blog that offended you, what ever it was about, if it was about that stupid looking sofa that you bought or especially about your kid, I apologize.  I’m very certain it was most probably done in the moment of sampat-ness or under the influence of some highly intoxicating substance.  :P

 

Now pergi main jauh-jauh dan berhati-hati di jalan raya.

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I have a client who runs a spa.  It’s one of those ‘good for your health’ spas which provide services like detox programs and therapies.

Today they received an enquiry from a so-called celebrity blogger.  I think she’s considered a celebrity bloggger.  My definition of a celebrity blogger is someone who is popular in the real world because of their blog.  So if you were to spot this blogger around town you would immediately recognise her, "Hey, that’s XXXX!".  Your friends who are not connected would have no clue who the heck she is.  Celebrity blogger.

This celebrity blogger sent an enquiry to my client expressing that she was interested in their services.  She ‘offered’ to review my client’s services on her blog.  Now I might be an idiot when interpreting one’s intentions but from reading her email, I was pretty sure she was asking for a free ride.  ‘Give me your services for free and I shall review you on my blog’.  She even gave numbers on how many visitors she gets in a day.  Around satu ribu a day.

I guess there’s nothing wrong with asking for a free ride.  But what about the review?  What if the service was not as good as it could have been?  Would she still say nice things?  Heck, she got it for free when some Datins had to pay good moolah to be slim healthy.

And what about all the reviews on her blog.  Which ones are the true blue honest ones?  Which reviews are the ones that she had tried and actually thought that it was worth sharing with her readers instead of she had to do it because she wanted it for free.  Give it to me for free and I shall review you on my blog.

I always thought it worked the other way round.  Companies would approach bloggers with offers to test their products or services in exchange for a review.  I never knew there were some who were going around asking for free stuff.

But what the heck am I rambling about?  That’s the benefits of being a celebrity blogger rite?

I’m going to my regular mamak now to ask for free teh tarik and roti canai in exchange for a review.  Wish me luck. :P

First there was Made of Honor.  I kinda enjoyed the movie.  I think it was the first ’sentimental’ movie for me in a long long time since the last one, King Kong.  So it was ok.  Considered still macho.

Then came Heart of Greed.  Although I didn’t understand what was happening to me, why I was experiencing so many different types of feelings in me, I loved it.

Then Moonlight Resonance.  I liked it too until I am Auntie.

And after days of pestering, finally today I agreed to Mamma Mia.

While waiting to go in, I told V that if I leave the cinema liking the movie…. I’m afraid I’ll have to go for a sex change.  No heterosexual man can take that much amount of mawkishness and still keep what’s between his legs.  I would have to cut ‘em off, break off with her, leave my wife and kids, and call Pookyma for a date. :P

The chances for me to keep ‘em seemed pretty slim coz I have not read a single blogger/reviewer say that they did not like it.  Everywhere it’s "Go see Mamma Mia", "I love Mamma Mia", "Mamma Mia, here we go again, bla, bla, bla."

Unfortunately, or rather fortunately for me, I did not like the movie.

What!?  What is it that you guys ladies liked so much about the movie???  The songs??  But it’s ABBA!  You no ABBA CD meh? :P

What?  Did I hear you say Meryl Streep???  But have you guys seen her in Rendition?  Have you seen her in The Devil wears Prada?  By the way, the Devil doesn’t really wear Prada.  The Devil wears Bata.  I’ve seen him shopping there for shoes.  Seriously.

And please tell me you agree with me that in real life, Pierce Brosnan would never go for Meryl Streep.  In real life, Pierce Brosnan would have hit on her daughter.  The moment she took off her top and swam across to the boat in her blue swimsuit, Pierce Brosnan would have greeted her with "Allo. I’m Bond. James Bond."  Korek or not?

To make matters worst, the auntie in front of me kept singing to the songs, "Gip me, gip me, gip me a man after midnite…"  Allo Auntie!  I know you know the songs lar!  But dis is not a karaoke ok!

Seriously.  The demographics who would enjoy this movie are ladies above the age of say…. 26(?), heard ABBA (or Westlife) songs before, thinks Pierce Brosnan’s hairy chest and pinkish brown nipples are hot, then by all means go watch it.  You will have a blast.

If you’re a guy, above the age of 30, heard ABBA songs before, fantasized about having hairy chest and pinkish brown nipples, then by all means go watch it.  You will have a blast.

If you’re depressed, cries for no apparent reasons, go watch it.  You will have a blast.

As for me, I get to keep ‘em and my state of auntie-ness has been wiped clean.  I’m macho again and I have room for 3 more mawkish movies.  High School Musical 3 anyone? :P

Let me tell you about a client of mine who blogs.  During a meeting he asked me if I blog, to which I told him no.  He then tells me about blogs, about his blog, about how you can make good money from blogging.  He tells me about some money making programs and about Google_adsense (Good money from Adsense?? :P).  Really sounds like a pro like dat.  He even criticise a particular femes blogger from Penang, calling her blog boring, poor writing skills, yada yada.  He then shows me his blog and the widgets he has on the sidebars which are supposed to make money for him.  He tells me to support by visiting and clicking on those ads.  Curious, I ask him how much he has made so far from his blog.  He tells me RM100.  Nose bleed!

Anyway…. the second half of this year, I’ve been getting a surge of enquiries from prospective clients who’ve been around in business for some number of years.  Some have been around for as long as 20 years.  Only now do they realize that the internet is an essential part of one’s marketing strategy so they finally want to jump on the bandwagon.  Either that or business is not good and they are looking at new sales channels.  I think business is not good.

Enquiries from new businesses are easier to deal with.  Most of the new business owners are exposed to the internet and know enough to identify which web approach they’d like to take.  Businesses that have been around sometimes makes my nose bleed.

There are clients who only want a website and nothing more.  They don’t want care about web strategies, web approach, seo, etc.  They just want to see their company name followed by a dot com.  They are more interested in when the domain name is registered so that they can print it on their business cards.  My partner told me about his meeting with a typical chinaman business owner and when my partner asked him what are their goals for their website, the chinaman answered "I want to see xxxx.com on my namecard." :P 

Apparently when this chinaman went overseas to promote their products during a trade exhibition, he exchanged cards with potential partners who asked him for his website.  He felt embarrassed when he saw everyone’s card had their company website address on it and he didn’t.

What makes my nose bleed is that when all is done and finished, his company’s website is printed on his name card together with his hotmail email address and not his corporate email address!  So instead of CS LOW, Managing Director, cslow@xxxx.com, it’s csl1968@hotmail.com! :P :P :P  But what do I care right?  Nose bleed. :P

Then there are those that get you excited when they tell you they have a large annual budget to spend on their internet strategy.  Excited not just because of the money but also on the project itself.  There’s more branding and consultancy work involved in such projects then just creating a website (which my partner is responsible for).

This past week was the first meeting with the client and for such projects when they have a large kitty to spend, you need to bullshit more.  You ‘power bullshit’ them with your presentation of internet best practises - less clicks to information, 3 clicks or less, online customer service is the new sales driver, customer retention via customer portals and corporate blogs, bla, bla, bla.  You feel you’re on the right track when the client looks like they’ve enjoyed listening to your bull shit.

But then when it comes to ideas for the website, the number one guy, the guy who’s been around in the company for 20 years, the guy who’s going to approve your cheque, tells you his idea and what he feels the website approach should be, "I’ve always envisioned our website to be……"

When the page loads, the visitor is inside a car/taxi on the way to the airport.  Once he arrives, he clicks on the door to open it and then clicks the counter to check in.  He goes through the whole process and clicks on the departure gate to board the plane.  He is greeted by a stewardess who shows him to his seat.  The plane takes off and takes him to……. the entrance of the client’s office!  And he’s not done yet.

The visitor then has to click on a door bell(!!!!!!) before the door opens and he is greeted by a receptionist who says "Welcome to the website of ABC company".  Then only do the website’s navigation starts.

This is for a company that manufactures carton boxes!  I just don’t get the whole journey to the airport, taking the plane and ringing the doorbell approach.  I guess he wants people to know that you’d have to fly to their office and ring the doorbell to buy a box! :P

Wiping the blood from my nose, I tried reminding him about best practices, less is more, less is more but in the end my partner told him we’ll see what we can come out with.

While we were leaving the office, a younger employee from his marketing team told us that he thought it was a silly idea.  In my head I’m wondering why don’t you say something if you think it’s silly.  Isn’t it ok to tell your boss that his idea sucked and get fired for it?